5 Childhood Cartoon Knockoffs Gone Wrong

My list of 5 horribly, horribly bad cartoons that we were exposed to as children. These are shows with really, little to know redeeming value, often cliche knockoffs trying to pick at the popularity of the shows we actually wanted to watch. Either way, we all cringed when they came up in the Saturday morning lineup. So here are my top, or rather, bottom 5 picks for the worst cartoons that we suffered through.















5. Street Sharks - TOTALLY JAWSOME. Remember shouting that catch phrase out? No? Well me neither, because it was unabashedly idiotic. A blatant knock off of the fondly remembered Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, without any of the charm. Four conveniently color coded mutated brothers fighting crime and mad science. Oh, and add in a healthy dose of EXTREME! to the mix, as each has their own EXTREME sport and accessories. One can just imagine the creative process behind this series, "Turtles are making money, we need to get in on this! Quick, pick an animal, and make it extreme! The kids are into that aren't they? We can make them extra edgy, ohh yeah, skateboards, roller skates, bikes!" And in the end, they succeeded in making a particularly toxic melange that is recalled by 20 somethings to this day as the sucky show that was on when you didn't have any other decent choice.



















4. Mighty Ducks - HERE COME THE MIGHTY DUCKS. Please, hide your children. So this came out at the tail end of the Mighty Ducks movie popularity, and had the appropriate quality of something coming from that end of a duck. Now, think back to the Mighty Duck movies, inspiring tale of underdogs, Emilio Estavez as the inspiring unorthodox coach, kids overcoming their issues and rising to the occasion. Okay, now replace all of that with: Aliens, anthropomorphized ducks, and a horribly overused plotline of "brave resistance fighters who have fled their evil oppressors to earth." And you have the Mighty Ducks cartoon. The only resemblance to the movie is their name and the fact that hockey is vaguely intertwined with, well I'm at loathe to call it a plot. Because coincidence of coincidences, hockey is a way of life for our alien heroes, thus we have vaguely hockey themed armor, a cast of insipid characters and aliens trying to play hockey. That anyone watched this show for more than a single episode thinking: "Oh hey, a cartoon version of the Mighty Ducks" and then cringing in absolute soul crushing horror as the realization settled in, boggles the mind.






















3. Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century - Okay, so as much as I enjoy Sherlock Holmes stories, this series was just unnecessary. This is another show where one can imagine the creative process, "Sherlock Holmes is a classic! And Educational! Parents will MAKE their kids sit down for this. But we gotta add in Robots and gratuitous 3d. Oh, and it needs to be set in the future. And let's add in a female lead just for kicks and giggles." And thus, Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century was born. If one stripped away the setting, and the 3d sequences, it might have made a good show. Instead, they tried to rehash old Sherlock Holmes plots with the added FUTURE elements. It simply did not work as intended, and the result was something that comes off as horribly dated and seemed to talk down to the audience at every step of the way.






















2. Challenge of the GoBots - Do I really need to go into these? GoBots, for when your grandmother wanted to buy you those transforming robots and picked the wrong ones. Bog standard "formerly peaceful good rebels fighting their evil counterparts as the battle comes to Earth" plot, with the added horror of the fact that the Gobots were actually former flesh and blood beings implanted inside the robots. Yes, an extra serving of nightmare fuel for the GoBots. Just like you really would rather have had a real Transformers toy, you wished for the real Transformers cartoon when this came on.































1. Sonic Underground - There were good Sonic the hedgehog shows, there were decent Sonic the hedgehog shows, and then there was this crap. Because we all knew from the game that sonic was in a band, with his brother and sister, and heir to the kingdom, oh and they all sported bad 80's hair and sung at their enemies to defeat them. No? But, that was the premise of this piece of failed animation that found its way onto our TVs. The bog standard plot could even be slightly forgiven taking into consideration the source material, but the decision to have the main character in an 80's hair band and fight by music, that nothing can excuse. It feels like another of those: "What are kids into these days!" brainstorming sessions that came up with exactly the wrong thing. Now the reason this makes the top of the list is not simply the incredulity of the plot, but the fact that it had such potential to be a good show. They had the examples already of the atmosphere a good Sonic show needed, the animation for this was in fact better than most of the other Sonic series that had come out, and the theme song was surprisingly catchy. But, it failed to deliver, firstly by talking down to the audience with the whole fight evil with music thing, and secondly by pretty much ignoring the whole spirit of what made Sonic...well, Sonic.


There you have it, my bottom 5 childhood cartoon knockoffs. Disagree? Have fond memories of these? Well, let me know in the comments.

Space Captain Smith by Toby Frost

Space Captain Smith by Toby Frost is the type of rip-roaring adventure that you didn't know you were nostalgic for. A ship, a crew, a stiff upper lip, and they're off to save the galaxy for England! Well, except for the fact that it's a rust bucket, there's an air of Flashman about him, and the most dependable member of the crew is the space hamster. Yes, they went there.

The story spares no expense at poking fun at various archetypes and films, including an extended reverse Blade Runner sequence, a visit to the Matrix, and a lovely send up of the Proud Warrior Race/Noble Savage. Really, one can tell that Frost enjoyed themselves in writing this book. Without that the story itself would have fallen a bit flat, but the jokes and parodies abound and the characters are quite the entertaining assortment that's essential to these space romps. I call it that purposefully, because it's hard to call this a Space Opera, given the lighthearted tone of the novel.

The British humor and sometimes campy characters make this a light and entertaining read, while still having a nice chewy center for those wanting a space yarn in the style of say, Firefly in its less serious moments, or Edgar Rice Burroughs through a fun house mirror. The Colonial attitudes are played for laughs, the "White Man's Burden" to educate the aliens and teach them how to brew a proper cup of tea.

Now, I have to say that I quite enjoyed it, but I'm sure it's not everyone's cup of tea. And there were parts that went from delightful gag to old quick, the aforementioned Blade Runner and Matrix nods, the laughs from them were often accompanied by groans. Still, a solid book, especially if you've read all too many space operas that couldn't sit back and laugh at themselves. Pick it up for some lighthearted reading, dashing adventure, and British humor.

Iron Dynasty: Way of the Ronin

Iron Dynasty: Way of the Ronin

Iron Dynasty: Way of the Ronin by Reality Blurs is an oriental setting for Savage Worlds, largely modeled upon pre/early industrial Japan, with a healthy dose of fantasy tropes. The pdf version I purchased came with a very nice color map of the area in the back, but otherwise the pictures and maps were black and white art. Actually they almost felt like sketches most of the time, which may have been an effort to either keep costs low or enhance the atmosphere of the product, but in comparison to other Savage Worlds tie ins, licensees, and setting books, it suffers a bit.

This is a book I was really excited to start to get into, and see if they were able to get the feel and atmosphere of the setting down. Swords, martial arts, and the advent of machines, there's a great wealth of material there that could be used for story material. And on the atmosphere, you can tell that they tried very hard at achieving it, authentic names for weapons along with descriptions, and simply the language used to describe things and people could have come straight out of a martial arts film.

Unfortunately, the meat of the product is somewhat lacking. Not in volume, it rolls in at 284 pages, but in style. As you read through the book, you come to the inevitable conclusion that this is not really in the spirit of Savage Worlds. In fact, it reads much like a D20 product that's been converted over to Savage Worlds, or a someone writing a Savage Worlds setting, but keeping the D20 sensibilities of a plethora of tables and handholding. It does not embrace the Savage Worlds concept of Fast! Furious! Fun! Of course, for an individual who wants something like that, it may be a boon. One instance of this is in character creation, they include defining interests, which are essentially further specializations of the Common Knowledge area. It provides guidelines to using character background and giving bonuses to Common Knowledge that should be gleaned from it, but it also feels limiting, as well as creating extra bookkeeping. Another example being in the Power Edges, they make an attempt to define and limit what could have been explained as trappings and ruled loosely in almost any other Savage World setting. There are even rules of fitting armor and rulings on what to subtract when someone picks up armor off a dead enemy without fitting it. While it's a nice touch, it's also nitpicky and additional bookkeeping that doesn't add to Fast! Furious! Fun! One interesting addition is the Reputation Rules, which is nearly identical to the Fame/Infamy rules in Pirates of the Spanish Main, except that one may go all the way towards the evil spectrum without losing control.

The same sensibilities run through the adventure creation rules, you'll end up rolling D100's and D20's to determine unique monsters and adventures. Which runs pretty contrary to what most Savage World settings try to run with. In other words, it's got a quality that allows one to get very deep into detail, and yet the cost of that is increased bookkeeping, and increased time that one would need in order to set up an adventure. Again, it feels like the writers were trying to recreate a D20 or GURPS or retro experience, as opposed to embracing the Savage System.

One of the bright spots in the book is the detail afforded to the setting. In fact, it provides details upon major towns, cities, locations of power and the like. On the other hand, they missed the mark in not linking the locations to Savage Tales. The Savage Tales by the way, are not ones that we are familiar with from other Savage Worlds products, instead of being loosely linked adventures or plot points, the book provides several mini campaigns which it calls Savage Story Arcs. These are essentially linked adventure series with very little leeway for deviation, each 'adventure' being described in anywhere between two sentences to a half page long description.

Overall, it was a solid reference book, but mildly disappointing. There is certainly a wealth of things that one can take from it, but I can't imagine playing the setting itself without heavy modification, and to play a campaign would require a good deal more work than one would usually go through in a Savage Setting. I would almost say that the Campaigns are more ideas for campaigns, that a GM would have to spend a lot of time fleshing out and improvising throughout. Also providing less room for going off the tracks and then returning later than other settings usually would provide. The big impression I get is of a book more suited for a D20 derived product than a Savage Worlds book. At $15 for the pdf, I'm not terribly disappointed, but it's not the definitive oriental adventures setting book I was hoping for, and it's not one that I would feel happy with at the cost for a print edition.

Savage Worlds AAR

Just finished running a quick and dirty Savage Worlds game.

The Backstory
A lone patrol through the jungle wanders its way back to base. Two orc grunts and their Sergeant, accompanied by an Elven Ranger and human medic. The grunts are very low on ammo and the Wild Cards are down to around twenty rounds each for their respective weapons. The orc Sergeant carries a single grenade.

The opposition
Ten Lizardfolk militia members have moved into a blocking position on the ford, using the river to penetrate deep into the supposed safe zone. Nine tribesmen armed with bows and axes led by their chieftain look to take revenge on the foreign invaders of the great swamp.

[Out of character rules explanations and game developments out of character will be in brackets]

After Action Report, Elsinore Skyhawk reporting:
I was on loan from the Rangers in order to accompany a patrol on deep patrol into the Red Zone north of the great swamps. Seven days in the jungle skirmishing with irregulars, but with real engagements to speak of. The village we had been sent to clear was a dud, no such settlement on the map coordinates. Anyways, we made contact with an enemy force around 1400 hours, about a mile out from the Extraction Zone. I was on point and the rest of the squad was in wedge formation behind me. I think they were as surprised as we were because about seven of them were in the water, trying to cross. Three were stationed on the opposite bank behind a pair of fallen trees. The range was between one and two hundred feet, but closed quickly in the beginning moments. [The group of three began in the third range bracket, but was in the second range bracket for the M1's carried by the squad within the first turn. The Lizardmen on the opposite bank had less range for their bows, and would need to use every other turn to aim in order to get a -4 to their attacks)

Our medic, Corpsman Copeland was the only one close enough to immediately get to cover, the rest of us attempted to move towards a rocky area. Fortunately their arrow fire was ineffective, as only three of them were able to fire, the rest struggled to get on land. The group of four to the west was the closest, and Sergeant Barnak sprang up and raced towards them, tossing a grenade. Two of the lizardmen were killed immediately in the blast, but the others made it to shore and began returning fire with their bows. I engaged the second group of three to the east. They had made it to cover, but I managed to feather one. Privates Grumnash and Krugnar moved up to support the Sarge along the west side, as well as providing covering fire for Copeland to dart forward.

In a display of battlelust, and despite the arrows falling about them, Barnak and Grumnash moved to engage one lizardman near the center of the skirmish in hand to hand combat, they succeeded in taking it down. Krugnar was less successful, and they engaged in axe work while I attempted to keep the other group of archers that had made land at bay.

[At this point the lizardmen were dealt a Joker, giving them a bonus to their trait and damage rolls]

The lizardman in combat with Krugnar was able to slip beneath the private's attack and plunge its axe into his stomach before moving back into the water. Barnak and Pvt Grumnash elected to retrieve their rifles in favor of going in after the lizardmen. Now three were in the water, with the three on the far bank continuing to pepper us with arrows, to little effect. Copeland moved towards the fallen Private, but it was obvious he would not get there in time.[Medic edge allows him a chance to revive an extra, but only if he gets there in the same turn]

I moved forward and managed to injure one of those in the water, the rushing river carried it off, and I can only assume it dies of its injuries. Two of them made it to the opposite bank, and those on the opposite bank got their first solid hit on us. Pvt. Grumnash fell to an arrow, I laid down covering fire, and gave a glancing hit to one of the Lizardmen[Shaken, but still up]. Corpsman Copeland, displaying great bravery, ran to where the Private was sitting wounded and immediately began administering first aid[He succeeds in his healing roll, and instead of wounded Grumnash is merely shaken].

Ineffectual fire from myself and the Sergeant is met by a return volley, just as the Private looked to be getting up, an arrow pierced his eye, there was obviously no return from that.

[Lizardmen again get a joker] Copeland bravely tried again to save the Private's life but as soon as he knelt down to work, he was hit by an arrow. [A very lucky arrow, in fact causes two wounds, and he fails his soak roll] Our return fire tags one of the Lizardmen on the opposite bank, it seems our greater range has been telling.

At that point the Lizardmen fall back, fading into the swamps, while we do our best for our medic. A short run back to base brought reinforcements, although last I heard Corpsman Copeland remained in serious condition. With two of ours killed and one grievously wounded, I do not know if we can call our engagement a victory, despite having accounted for Seven of them.

All in all I move that Corpsman Copeland be given the Silverleaf Medal of Valor with Holly Clusters, in addition to any awards his own service grants, and that Sergeant Barnak be given the Oaken Star.


Post Mortem:
Little modifiers from cover and range can add up quite quickly when one only has a D6 in shooting. Only the Ranger(D10) had a better shooting die, and accounted for most of the kills. In addition the Lizardmen suffered worse from both range penalties and damage rolls as a result of having bows to combat rifles. Next time I may have them using captured rifles instead, as they were seriously outgunned. They did have some good turns of luck, with two joker draws.

The big break for the heroes was probably that early grenade, there would have been more close combat otherwise that would have helped to negate their range advantage. Also, I should have played the Chieftain closer in, as it was he was lobbing arrows from the back and not really contributing any more than the extras. Either that or changed him up for a Shaman with a power or two in order to spice things up.

All in all I think the engagement took about an hour including looking up rules we had become rusty on. A quite satisfactory little Vietnam/Fantasy mashup that took little time to set up and little time to play. We used primarily the Explorer's Edition and Tour of Darkness to set it up, with a little help from the Fantasy Companion just to add in the elf, orc, and lizardmen races.

In Hero Years...I'm Dead

In Hero Years... I'm Dead by Michael A. Stackpole



One of the latest out by Stackpole, available from amazon or his own Stormwolf store through the link above. There are two ways to look at this, as a Stackpole book, or as a Superhero book. Now don't get me wrong, I usually quite enjoy his work, but as I've mentioned before, similar themes tend to resurface. In this one we have a Revenant, a warrior who has been away for years only to find everything has changed on him, twisted genealogies, and quick witted protagonists. I kept on comparing the book to Once a Hero or Talion or the Chaos series in my head while I was reading it. But if you enjoyed those books, then it'll deliver as expected, stunning fight scenes, witty dialogue, and cunning heroes.

Now, to look at it as a Superhero book, well that's where it tends to shine. If you've ever read Kingdom Come and wished for less of a biblical feel and more of a street view, then this is for you. It delves into the mentality of being a superhero versus being a real hero, of the obsessions and problems that they face, and what the various iconic heroes represent. It's also about legacies, can a hero or villain pass the mantle on to their heirs, and if so, is that really a good thing? It is an interesting world, but not as dark as it could have been. How can someone who still believes that to be a hero is to help people-live in a world where heroics have morphed into a mix of entertainment and sports betting.

It's a unique and entertaining take on the superhero genre, the themes may not be totally new, for people who are familiar with Kingdom Come, Watchmen, or even Soon I Will Be Invincible, but the action is crisp and characters are well fleshed out, while still embodying recognizable superhero archetypes. In the end, even with all the little gripes, I can make one great piece of praise that trumps them all...it was a one sitting book. I sat down and started reading, it wasn't until about 4 or 5am that I looked up from the ending words. I'm definitely happy to have picked it up.

Colonial Battlefleet Review and AAR

Over the holiday I got a chance to try out the Colonial Battlefleet game from Steel Dreadnought Games. Below is the After Action Report and a quick review.

Meeting at Procyon

The tensions between the Empire of D and the T Hegemony have erupted into full scale war. The trade lanes outside of Procyon would prove a dangerous meeting ground, as Hegemony taskgroup Dreadnought and the Imperial squadron led by the battleship Wisdom would fire the first shots of the war.

This was a 1200 point game, with default tech levels, the only agreement being that fighters and boarders would be avoided since this would be our first game. Oh, and we would be going into this blind as to the other's fleet composition or ship loadouts, once on the battlemap we told each other which ships were larger than the others, but that was it. I was quite pleased with how we managed to set up and play, even being so unfamiliar with the rules. We took 3 hours total, from opening up the spreadsheet to build some ships to rolling the last die and calling it quits.

Order of Battle

T Hegemony
BBD Dreadnought – 640 tons, with turreted banks of heavy phazers, mag cannons, and anti-neutron torps
BCF Archer – 410 tons. Phazers forward, and the rest taken up with two 3 launcher mounts for its 24 ASGMs
CLR Cheetah – 144 tons. Its sole armament were 3 forward anti-proton torpedo bays spread in 2 hardpoints

Empire of D
BBD Wisdom – 640 tons. A forward firing rail gun, along with turreted banks of phazers and disruptors, and a single ASGM launcher for 8 missiles
BCB Courage – 560 tons, sporting turreted batteries of turbo heavy lasers and heavy disruptors, with a forward bank of anti-neutron torpedos.


Debriefing, Commodore Nomis of the HNS Archer

With our superior command and control we would set the tone of the battle. However it became evident that they would dictate its terms. The Imperial ships started in close formation, we closed in a slightly more open one, with the Dreadnought leading the way, the Archer and Cheetah sheltering along its flank at about three combat sectors distance. The first turn is at extreme range, and we choose a tactical option, and wait for them to close. It turns out that we are in fact, within their range. A stunned shock runs through the crews as they not only fire, but hit with enough force to heavily damage the shields on the Dreadnought, the Imperial ships are running with FC4. Our reply is minimal, as we fire at the larger ship to no effect, its shields are too heavy at this range...there is only one thing to do, close the distance to bring our shorter ranged and hopefully more potent weapons into play.

We choose the tactical option again, the two Imperial ships close to adjacent combat sectors and look to be ready to cross each other next turn. The second turn sees our small flotilla accelerating, we had a delta advantage over them already, running at 5 to their 3, all of our ships increased speed to delta 6. The Imperial ships fire, a deadly volley, that smashes through the shields of the Dreadnought, damaging the heavy phazers right as they line up on the smaller enemy ship, as well as launching an ASGM. Still, the Mag cannons do a number on the enemy shields, allowing torpedoes to get through, although there is no penetration. The Archer launches a full salvo of ASGMs, while the Cheetah continues to hide behind its larger cohorts.

The phazors were quickly repaired, but the ships are crossing at speed, and although the Dreadnought penetrates the larger Imperial ship Wisdom's shields, the combined power of the two capital ships cuts through her shields, an engine room hit seals her fate. Archer fires another salvo of ASGMs, now in sprint mode, there is little that can stop them from hitting on the next turn sequence. Cheetah darts in and fires her torps, but they do little damage against the heavily shielded Courage.

The ASGM's finally come into play, damaging the bridge of Courage, and a disruptor bay on the Wisdom. But it is not enough, the Dreadnought has drifted past the battle, and both enemy ships are lined up for a strike upon her aft shields. Her heavy armor is not enough to save her from destruction. The Archer fires another salvo of ASGM's, and the Cheetah makes use of her superior speed to place herself in the aft arc of the Courage, hammering through her shields with torps. The Wisdom however, in chasing the Dreadnought, is finding it hard to close the distance and support her sister ship. It can still however, punish the Archer with its heavy armament, cutting through the lighter ships shields with ease and damaging one of the ASGM batteries. The Courage as well is able to bring its port facing turrets to bear, the Archer is now down two shield facings, and its F/P shields will be damaged for the rest of the engagement.

Our two ships continue to rake the Courage's aft shields, but a final combined salvo destroys the Courage, it is then that taking stock of the ASGM reserves on the Archer that I decide to retreat, we will use our delta advantage to escape and fight another day. I send our final ASGM stocks in their direction, if only to discourage pursuit. It does not work very well, they burn delta to increase velocity and chase, and once again that heavy long range armament aided by superior fire control comes our way. 12 hull, 10....5.... The girders creak and grown, bridge consoles show red hull breaches across the board, and it all comes down to their final shot with the single heavy rail gun. It misses, and we breathe a sigh of relief. We will live to fight another day.


Results:
Hegemony lost 640 tons
Empire lost 563 tons

Evaluation:
Next time, I won't skimp on fire control. Two of my 3 ships had FC 2 and short ranged weapons, D had a definite range advantage that showed at both the beginning and end of the battle. I overbought on PD given that he had a total of one launcher in his fleet, and he under bought. Even with 3 and 4 PD die my missiles consistently got through, taking his defender down to half health despite my inability to pierce its shields. And having a 3 Delta ship allowed me to plant myself firmly in his rear shields at the end. I closed too fast and didn't start my turn early enough with Dreadnought, thus its early demise, taking out about two thirds of my potential firepower.

The ASGM's were surprisingly effective on my part, partly due I'm sure to the fact that his defender had 50 points of shield in its forward arcs, something that I was hard pressed to cut through, even with my Battleship. In fact, only two flights of 3 were unable to turn and reengage effectively, and even those two were able to herd his ships, if not directly attack them. It helped that they were in effect more maneuverable than his ships. And AV8 ships are very, very hard to crit against, even with 1D10+1 weapons, although I have to say that even my AV6 ship shrugged off his weapons pretty well, suffering only three criticals as it was whittled down to 5 hull, two hardpoints(one empty) and a shield. Which was quite fortunate, since I was hard pressed to repair them.

His evaluation of the battle consisted muttering about not skimping on firing arcs, as after the first two turns, none of his forward firing weapons actually had any impact on the battle. And for him, the ASGM was nothing more than wasted space, especially since he ended the battle with 5 left in the magazine, although the last few turns I think he gave up on them, as a single ASGM against 4PD is pretty useless. He also expressed disappointment on how the battleline ship performed, he may have been able to repair those critical hits easier, but I wasn't making many to begin with. I'm pretty sure he wished it was another defender or a flagship instead, because I won every single initiative roll.

Either way, I think we both agreed that the game was quite enjoyable, and one of the easiest to be able to set up and play on short notice. Being able to work with the spreadsheet and then print out the SSDs was a definite plus. Although I knew that I wouldn't snatch victory out of it once my Battleship went down, I was definitely on the edge of my seat as my fleet tried to pull out a draw, and escape. 5 hull out of my 64 hull BC before I was able to get out of range, now that's a nail biter!


Now some general notes on the rules system. Personally, at about $15 dollars, it's a bargain. There are about 60 pages of play rules, options, and an explanation of equipment, and the remaining 60 pages are split about equally between scenarios, warship construction rules and premade faction ship lists, with a few pages of counters that one can print out. The last two sections can easily be skipped however as it also comes with an excel spreadsheet that makes creating your own ships quick and easy. Illustrations are mostly functional, it's not exactly a pretty product, but they get the job done.

I mentioned before that it only took us about 3 hours to play a game. I would say that about half an hour to an hour of that was setup and creating our fleets. Although there were only a few ships in play, I feel that we could easily expand the fleet and get done in a similar amount of time, due to added familiarity.

As for the rules themselves, the first thing that comes to mind with them is that they are clean. You won't be scratching your head looking for dice, it uses D6s and D10s and that's it. The ship datacards that one can print out hold everything one needs to know about a ship, including the special roles that they can have. Those help define your ship and fleet, whether it's a Battleline ship designed to deal hurt, a light Scout, a maneuverable Rapid Deployment Force ship, etc.

The game may only use two die types, but it uses them well. For example to attack one rolls a die and adds in their fire control, which essentially allows a player to create the best engagement range for their ships. Movement was pretty standard fare, and easy to keep track of with the ship datacards. The fleet construction rules tend to favor a heavier force as opposed to swarms, and it felt a little funny that we both fielded Battleships and Battlecruisers with only my single light cruiser as backup, as opposed to a more balanced force, although this is indirectly modified in some of the scenarios. Perhaps if a campaign supplement came out then this would be addressed.

For the price, I can't say I have many complaints. Essentially this is an excellent generic ruleset for space combat, I could well see myself playing out Star Trek, B5, and other settings, not to mention the recently released Man vs Machine expansion that covers BSG. Although I'm not sure how such a fighter heavy game would play out given that ships can't be stacked.

What wins me over though, is the ease of play. Compared to say, Starfire, Battlefleet Gothic, or Battlespace for example it felt like a breeze, and there was no need to dig out the trusty ruler as long as you have a hex grid. And thus Colonial Battlefleet is liable to become my starship combat game of choice in the foreseeable future.

State of the Blog

It seems that it's well past time for some Spring cleaning...and by past time I mean it's winter already. Anyways, updating links and going to see if I can find a counter that works. Have patience and don't worry about the dust.

Mad Kestrel - Misty Massey

A swashbuckling tale about pirates that has surprisingly little actual piracy. Kestrel is a natural magic user in a world where magic is highly regulated, with "promises" or those with talent taken away by a shadowy society of mages. She runs away and finds that saltwater runs in her veins, taking up as the quartermaster to a pirate ship.

This book just didn't quite hit the mark with me. Perhaps it was the pacing, it started out relatively slow, but had a steady buildup, and as it approached the end I kept on thinking to myself "There has to be a sequel, it can't tie up everything in these few pages left!" The climax and ending was like a cannon shot, sharp and short. Even though the story had been building up to that moment, things came together in a single burst of action and it was over with. Or perhaps it was the lack of actual piratical activities, the only ship that they take is essentially their own ship in harbor, all others are merely past references, in fact, I don't believe that there was actually a cannon shot in anger, the closest we get is a warning shot across the bow.

The characters are also a mixed bag. The most loveable ones, such as Kestrel's friends from the bawdy house and of course Binns, tend to be out of the picture much of the time. They also tend to be solid archetypes, but with a few secrets to give them a bit of depth. Some of the crew is given life by their actions and descriptions, and that's something I would have liked to see more of, but for the most part they were rather forgettable. McAvery, the dashing rogue, is, well, there isn't much to him that doesn't appear on the label. Or at least if there is, he doesn't show it, he's there as a foil and romantic interest. I couldn't help but imagine him always having a self satisfied smirk while he plotted out how to get into Kestrel's pants. Add in the fact that he knows and exploits Kestrel's attraction to him moves his actions from romantic over to creepy in my opinion. Kestrel herself however, I couldn't help but like, she's a flawed heroine, and that shows through her internal biases and impulsive nature. And even though there were times when I wanted to slap her for being an idiot, I couldn't help but admire her guts and determination, as well as her quick thinking.

Mad Kestrel by Misty Massey was enjoyable, but plagued by inconsistent pacing and characters. It was also not quite what I expected, being more of a character based book, with piracy being almost incidental to the plot. There was so much potential there for a really wonderful book, but most of it is just not utilized. All in all, Mad Kestrel won't blow you away or give you a "wow" moment at the end, but if you've got a nice rainy afternoon then by all means go ahead and give it a go.

Burn Me Deadly - Alex Bledsoe

There's always the question of whether the sequel will live up to the original, especially when the first is as powerful as the Sword-Edged Blonde was, but I have to say that I was not disappointed at all with Burn Me Deadly. Fair warning, there are going to be some spoilers in this review.

Burn Me Deadly does have a change of flavor from the original, in that it is what I'd call a setting book. In the Sword-Edged Blonde, Eddie traveled far and wide to uncover mysteries, now we explore his home base and the area surrounding Neceda. Something that Bledsoe does quite well is interweave the stories of the people that in other books might fade into the background, or be conveniently pushed offstage when the plot doesn't need them anymore. Such as the wandering scribe who is most definitely on his own mission, the anti-government survivalist family, or even the guardsman that threatens to move in with Eddie and Liz if he gets fired. Little details like that turn this into a living world, admittedly one that's situated in the backwoods and lonely hills. Ones inhabited by a dragon cult that is at once exotic and rural, more evocative of serpent handlers in a backwoods church than of the bloodthirsty fanatics usually encountered in fantasy worlds.

Now there were a few moments that brought me out of the fantasy. One of them being a trick sword in a scene that reminded me of the movie Blade. Now it was nice to learn a bit more about the swords now that we know that them having make and brand names isn't just a one off joke, but the "special grip so it doesn't slice your hand open" gimmick was a bit much. This was a relatively minor problem though as anachronistic elements were tossed in every now and again, mostly for comedic effect, so it wasn't glaring.

The real gem of this story was in learning about the characters and relationships between them. Eddie and Liz's relationship have a very real and mature feeling to it, of people who genuinely care about each other, and aren't the young starcrossed lovers you usually see in fantasy.

While the body count has gone down, it still retains that deadly edge which keeps you on your seat. Good people(and horses) die, and not all of them die in epic battle, there isn't that aura of invincibility that usually surrounds well liked characters, which I think is necessary if a rather gritty fantasy like this. Anyways, Burn Me Deadly by Alex Bledsoe proved to be another great read, it has a stronger emphasis on setting than its predecessor, but proves to be every bit as entertaining.
(Note: This review was on the ARC copy, as such there may have been changes between it and the print version)

A Year Under Ground

I accepted the assignment from the Low King with a heavy beard and heavier heart. However, the destiny of the mountains calls to me, and there is only one answer when the mountain calls. Well, two actually, but being squashed was not very attractive. So we set out into the wilds, my mission, to establish a viable outpost for the dwarven empire of Lor Tangath in preparation for the arrival of settlers the following year.

Our disreputable party numbered seven, with the unspoken rule that no dwarf talk of his or her past. Whether they were criminals, colonists, or adventurers, everyone was to be expected to pull their weigh. Two miners, two farmers, a woodcutter, a mason, and one who seemed to have no applicable skills whatsoever. I would however, learn soon the necessities of survival. In addition, we were given breeding pairs of dogs, and cats, one of which soon adopted me as a sucker during mealtimes, a horse, and a camel. From what musty stockpile in the mountainhome came the camel I do not know, perhaps it was all a cruel joke.

Fortunately I was given free access to the kingdom's maprooms, and was able to carefully select an appropriate site. A calm temperate area which recommended itself by the presence of a river valley, allowing easy access to fresh water. As well as the ores promised to be plentiful within the nearby mountains. Something all dwarvenkind could appreciate.

We decided to name our new outpost Taranathel, in honor of our home kingdom. The rainy season was just beginning as we started, and as such my first priority was to get the alcohol and foodstuffs under cover before they went rancid. Hot dwarven ale is no friend of ours, any brewer could tell you that it's best kept in a dark cave, preferably served fresh from a cooling mountain spring. I order mining excavations to begin.

Progress has exceeded expectations! We now have storage areas for our booze. A wood workshop and a stone workshop both followed quickly, as I hoped to put together beds and tables, for a sleep deprived and hungry dwarf is not something any of us wish to encounter.

Excavations continue quickly. At this rate, we could have the entire mountain hollowed out by the time our first settlers arrive. And perhaps a posting back to civilization would be in order. As the refuse began to pile up inside, I quickly ordered a large field cleared outside. The sun and rain will do its work on any garbage we accumulate. A large farming area was set up along the main tunnel, I feel it should suffice even when our outpost grows to accommodate hundreds, much less our seven. We did have a setback along the north tunnel, in an effort to decrease our need to get water from outside I directed our tunnelers to excavate what I thought to be an underground pool...which unfortunately flooded the entire corridor. Fortunately no lives were lost. I am puzzled however as to why we have not discovered any ore, semi-precious stones yes, but as of yet no ore of any kind.

I have just been informed that the reason we have not yet found ore is that we did not dig into the side of a mountain as I had thought. Instead we are well ensconced within a dirt hill, thus the reason that excavations proceeded so quickly. This may be a slight setback. Nevertheless, I order our miners to continue excavating exploratory tunnels, down into the depths of the earth itself. Worries that we are running low on foodstuffs prompts the creation of a butcher...I wonder how camel tastes.

I am surrounded by nincompoops! Apparently I must tell each one what jobs they are allowed to do. The camel however, tasted delicious, as did the horse. And after sending a few dwarves to hunt, there is a near collapse of the groundhog population as dwarves, elated to be hitting things, wrestle them to the ground and rip off their furry little heads. Piles of tiny skulls litter the refuse heap. At times I fear for my sanity. I have ordered separate bedrooms for everyone.

Seven levels down and still no ore?!? Failure after failure. Not only is there no ore, but the trading caravan cannot find its way here, why I do not really know, for their messenger arrived easily. Even so, I constructed a trade depot just in case they found a native guide, as well as began construction of workshops to produce trade goods. None of my current dwarves have the skills to operate many of these workshops, but perhaps the migrants will be able to use them. Expansion of the storage rooms has been completed, and my cat had kittens...which promptly adopted me as well. Unfortunately, they don't seem to realize that the rats are all in the storeroom, not in the dining area. Speaking of dining, I wonder why our farm is not producing anything.

Ahhh, of course. The farmer had readied everything, but was waiting for me to tell him what to plant...the only thing we have seeds for dullard! Mushrooms, mushrooms, and more mushrooms! One of our dwarves has taken ill, felled by a particularly vicious groundhog. The others are requesting a bucket to take water to her. It seems our carpentry division has been slacking off(oops!). Also I have heard word that Kobold and monkey thieves have absconded with some of our trade goods. Given that I don't believe monkeys to be native to this ecology, I can only surmise that they've been trained and set upon us by the Kobolds. Security measures are taken...I install a door.

Huzzah! The migrants have arrived, farmers, peasants, woodworkers, and masons. Our population explodes to 15. As well as a wondering mage that offers to take a magical portrait of the main level of our outpost. But, they also bring news that I have been recalled. While I am hopeful it is for a parade and honorable pension, unfortunately it seems more likely that my many mishaps have caused them to lose faith in me somehow. Was it building into a hill instead of a mountain? Or flooding our tunnels with my search for fresh water? The shoddy showing in the groundhog war that left one of our own on death's door? The mishaps in planting that have led to a severe food shortage over the winter months? Only time will tell.

I leave you with a picture of Taranathel as I left it. Empty workshops and empty throne rooms. Although the pub, as always shows signs of life, as do the vermin infested larders. Perhaps another ruler could bring life to this grand experiment.





Note: While I had played Dwarf Fortress before, this is the first time I'd played since the update which made the game play in 3 axis. I stumbled across the story of Boatmurdered and couldn't help but dive back in. Quite a bit has changed since I first played, as is evident, it used to be that you just burrowed into a cliff face and encountered ores the further in you went, eventually reaching an underground river which...well, not that this excuses my failures. Anyways, check out Boatmurdered for an altogether more hilarious example of what could happen.

Also, I used the Mike Mayday Graphics Edition if anyone was wondering.